you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
