im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
