Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
