So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think a kid would responsible me up
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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