my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I didn't notice because vodka
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
