my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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