he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We just shotgunned beers for America
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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