I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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