He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
