then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
