when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
