Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
