Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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