I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
