I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
