Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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