FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
