That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
