I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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