So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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