I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
