Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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