Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
