Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
