im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
