if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
