Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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