So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
