Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
