Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
