I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
