wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
