I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
