i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
