I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
