Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
