Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
