I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We were destined to go to rehab together
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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