I am in a vortex of obligation.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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