in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize