He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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