Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
