I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
