So drunk its hurt
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
