Got a toothbrush?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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