I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
