well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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