my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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