My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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