I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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