Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
