my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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