Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
