even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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