Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
