i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.