Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I touched a dick in church today