eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling