Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
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Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
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"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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