We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
